FALLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE: aka- falling in LOVE

I am 27 years old. I thought by now I would have a stable relationship... A nice home... be thinking about kids... Instead I live in my apartment with my ex girlfriend who thinks she loves me, and I live 1000 miles away from the only person that I believe has ever really understood... One is my chesire cat and the other my Mad Hatter.

My chesire cat means well... She tries to love me the best she knows how... but she's just not what i need... Or want for that matter... I live in an intellectual world. I like nice things and smart thoughts. She is content in her blue collar world. She doesn't understand 50% of the things I say, or 95% of the ideas I have. In the last two years... she has read ONE book.

However here we are in this wonderland together. She has no concept of what it is to be me. She tries very hard to understand my autism... But the reality is she just doesnt and as such often gets very frustrated with me...

My Mad Hatter on the other hand... She is simply my other half... She has Aspergers like me and is smart and creative and would string the stars into a necklace for me if I asked her too... But she is 1000 miles away... and has HORRENDOUS follow through... She has let me down so many times. I dont know how to trust her or believe in her anymore... and she puts up walls because i won't fall head over heels into her arms until I know i can trust her...

I know. I deserve better than any of this... but i don't know how to make that grown up relationship work... All i know is that no matter how hard i try I end up with douche bags like the Chesire cat...

Is it horrible that I want life to be more than Playstation and steak???

Once Upon A Time.

Once upon a time. I was happy with myself and who I was, I was also a blogger then... So here we are...lets see if i can sort it all out again. I've always said I would like to start a blog about being a young lesbian with aspergers syndrome... So now I am.

You can call me Alice. Because that's who I feel like most days. I feel like a lost girl, with a pretty firm grasp on right or wrong, who is wandering through a world that just makes no sense. And lets me honest, she rocks a pinafore and hair bow.

Coupled with being autistic, I live a full and complicated life, I work fulltime in a customer service call center. I have a relationship that is the typical chaos of a 27 year old lesbian... and a little apartment I call my own...

But I'm still living this life down the rabbit hole.

The characters in my wonderland are amazing and one of a kind. I may not have a queen of hearts or a jabberwocky, but i do have a stepford wife for a BFF and my very own Rockstar and Diva. (as well as many other supporting players)

Life is baffling most days. But its definetly an adventure... Thus... here we are... wandering through wonderland together... As I consider how to be Alice.

Bear with me. This will be a journey for us both, and probably the place where I am most honest about what is happening in my head and my heart. Often I put up a strong front about what it means to be an adult woman with autism. But the reality is I am terrified. The reality is I don't always understand the world around me or what is expected of me. So here, on these electronic pages, I will write my own tale of wonderland, the tale of living amongst the puzzle pieces... One day at a time. One faux pas at a time. One once upon a time at a time. Thanks for reading today. I hope to see you again.