Well learn me. Like I learn you. Thats fair.

How on earth do you tell someone its not fair. How do i explain what its like to have no grasp of the way the rest of the world understands things?

I think Literally.

I remember a billboard several years ago... for a real estate website... "more listings than you can shake a mouse at" I was so confused as to why someone would want to shake a mouse... picturing this little grey furry creature being swung around by his tail... We were 10 miles away before I understood...

The reality is I dont understand basic communication any better than i understood that billboard... I need things graphically clear. I need clarification. I need blunt, direct, straight forward...

And this... This is what regular people dont understand... "how can she be so brilliant as to understand shakespere and medicare part d... but she can't understand the simplest vague communication/flirtation/brush off"

I feel trapped. Cut off. Lost. I just genuinely dont understand... and in return... I'm genuinely misunderstood. My intentions, my motivations, my actions, my questions... Its never seen for what it is, never the right thing at the right time.

How do I explain to you that this is where my fear comes from... because I dont understand... and you dont know how to understand me... I'm not like her, or them, or anyone you have ever met. I belong here in my wonderland... Where my intentions and motivations, are typically not what they first appear... and i cant explain it... Cause this is the only way i know how to be... Just Alice. I only know wonderland... I dont know what its like to be Normal. To be ok. to be fine.

If I could have one wish tonight... I'd wish for you to be able to live one day as me... so that maybe you could understand why its not fair.

How do I get there from here...

"the young girl looked at the odd cat, who refered to himself as that of a cheshire variety, and tilted her head. 'excuse me sir, can you tell me how to find adulthood, I seem to have misplaced my way along this path' she asked in a timid cowering voice, her hands flapping at her sides like two frantic hummingbirds. the cat eyed her suspiciously wondering how this faint creature had survived so long in such a chaotic world. He chuckled 'darling, adulthood is not something that can be lost or found it fades in and out much like myself.'"

Being autistic, and being an adult alludes me rather regularly. With everything required of me: work, bills, housework, errands, relationships... well.. I've never been much of a juggler.

Its in the moments like these that I feel like the biggest failure. When I have to call and beg the electric company not to shut me off, or when I am paying bus fare in pennies... Why can't I make this work. Why. Why. Why.

I want to be regular, I want to be like everyone else. I want to make everything work simply and cleanly.

But instead I struggle, and screw things up one at a time... and pray that someday, in this puzzle that is living wiht autism I can finally make all the pieces fit together... Before I lose everything... and everyone... that I have worked so hard for.

Until then... I'll just be Alice.