Inside the hurricane

I'm about 2 minutes out of the bathtub. Its where i go when i melt down... My head hurts from banging and my arms are covered in bite marks.

I prayed tonight after she came in to yell at me... I prayed for God to kill me.

I dont want to live like this anymore. I dont want to be one big autistic mistake. Cause no one will ever understand.

She thinks its for attention. How do i even begin to explain to her that its an overwhelming compulsion in that heightened level of hurt to scream and hurt myself cause i have no other way to cope with the pain. How to i explain that my hands automatically pull at my hair and i convulse and scream without any control.

She says I'm lucky she loves me cause otherwise she would be gone by now... maybe it would be best if she was, cause then i wouldnt get more attached when eventually she will leave to cause no one stays... Things were gonna be ok...

Till i tried to open up to her and started with the words "i hate being me"

this was seen as self pity... But no... I really do hate being me. I really do want to be a normal woman.

Well learn me. Like I learn you. Thats fair.

How on earth do you tell someone its not fair. How do i explain what its like to have no grasp of the way the rest of the world understands things?

I think Literally.

I remember a billboard several years ago... for a real estate website... "more listings than you can shake a mouse at" I was so confused as to why someone would want to shake a mouse... picturing this little grey furry creature being swung around by his tail... We were 10 miles away before I understood...

The reality is I dont understand basic communication any better than i understood that billboard... I need things graphically clear. I need clarification. I need blunt, direct, straight forward...

And this... This is what regular people dont understand... "how can she be so brilliant as to understand shakespere and medicare part d... but she can't understand the simplest vague communication/flirtation/brush off"

I feel trapped. Cut off. Lost. I just genuinely dont understand... and in return... I'm genuinely misunderstood. My intentions, my motivations, my actions, my questions... Its never seen for what it is, never the right thing at the right time.

How do I explain to you that this is where my fear comes from... because I dont understand... and you dont know how to understand me... I'm not like her, or them, or anyone you have ever met. I belong here in my wonderland... Where my intentions and motivations, are typically not what they first appear... and i cant explain it... Cause this is the only way i know how to be... Just Alice. I only know wonderland... I dont know what its like to be Normal. To be ok. to be fine.

If I could have one wish tonight... I'd wish for you to be able to live one day as me... so that maybe you could understand why its not fair.

How do I get there from here...

"the young girl looked at the odd cat, who refered to himself as that of a cheshire variety, and tilted her head. 'excuse me sir, can you tell me how to find adulthood, I seem to have misplaced my way along this path' she asked in a timid cowering voice, her hands flapping at her sides like two frantic hummingbirds. the cat eyed her suspiciously wondering how this faint creature had survived so long in such a chaotic world. He chuckled 'darling, adulthood is not something that can be lost or found it fades in and out much like myself.'"

Being autistic, and being an adult alludes me rather regularly. With everything required of me: work, bills, housework, errands, relationships... well.. I've never been much of a juggler.

Its in the moments like these that I feel like the biggest failure. When I have to call and beg the electric company not to shut me off, or when I am paying bus fare in pennies... Why can't I make this work. Why. Why. Why.

I want to be regular, I want to be like everyone else. I want to make everything work simply and cleanly.

But instead I struggle, and screw things up one at a time... and pray that someday, in this puzzle that is living wiht autism I can finally make all the pieces fit together... Before I lose everything... and everyone... that I have worked so hard for.

Until then... I'll just be Alice.

slaying the Jabberwocky

Who would have thought that down this rabbit hole I would find yet another hole to tumble down... But here we are, I am falling and twisting and turning and tumbling... trying to make sense of another reality...

Happiness...

The Cheshire Cat became my Jabberwocky, and I slayed her. Out of nowhere... I met my... well, lets be honest, she is no character out of Alice in Wonderland. She is simply wonderful, mine... This woman appeared and stole everything I thought I knew. Within days she had my heart and my soul and my total attention... (in hindsight turns out the Cheshire Cat was pretty much pawning me off on her)...Well as Cassie ("the woman") was stealing my heart the Cheshire Cat/Jabberwocky was breaking into my house and stealing the groceries and my meds.

What does it say about the state of being that I am in, she is Cassie, even here... where i hide everyone behind a character, behind a pseudonym... But she is mine. She is Cassie. How do i explain her... (As she talks incessantly even though I am CLEARLY trying to write)... She is brilliant, and affectionate, funny and thoughtful.

But most profoundly... She... She... She knows how to take care of me autistically... She is the one that will find me in the closet, remind me to breath, she is the one that will curl up in the bathtub and hold me while I panic... Over life... she has seen me at my best, and at my worst... and still looks at me adoringly...

and even thinking about it... It brings tears to my eyes. I Never. Ever. believed that at an autistic woman I would find this kind of happiness, this kind of honest security...

I'm not always sure how to deal with it... But everyday... she teaches me.

Unicorns in Wonderland???

Lately I feel like all i do is work and school... school and work... clean and cook and live this mundance life of adulthood... and I know that I am working towards something bigger, towards the life I've always wanted... the beautiful condo and a solvent bank account, towards oversea's vacations and well... stability... But I feel sometimes like I am giving up the life I have now. Like I am not really living... The Cheshire Cat says I take too much on. But i dont know if thats true. Or do i just not have the ability to handle as much as other people cause of my autism... Will I ever catch the unicorn of success or will i always be lagging autistically behind...

I worry about my ability to network, I am more socially awkward than even I want to admit. It scares me, can i be a social worker, a leader, anything other than barely scrapping by in the median???

FALLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE: aka- falling in LOVE

I am 27 years old. I thought by now I would have a stable relationship... A nice home... be thinking about kids... Instead I live in my apartment with my ex girlfriend who thinks she loves me, and I live 1000 miles away from the only person that I believe has ever really understood... One is my chesire cat and the other my Mad Hatter.

My chesire cat means well... She tries to love me the best she knows how... but she's just not what i need... Or want for that matter... I live in an intellectual world. I like nice things and smart thoughts. She is content in her blue collar world. She doesn't understand 50% of the things I say, or 95% of the ideas I have. In the last two years... she has read ONE book.

However here we are in this wonderland together. She has no concept of what it is to be me. She tries very hard to understand my autism... But the reality is she just doesnt and as such often gets very frustrated with me...

My Mad Hatter on the other hand... She is simply my other half... She has Aspergers like me and is smart and creative and would string the stars into a necklace for me if I asked her too... But she is 1000 miles away... and has HORRENDOUS follow through... She has let me down so many times. I dont know how to trust her or believe in her anymore... and she puts up walls because i won't fall head over heels into her arms until I know i can trust her...

I know. I deserve better than any of this... but i don't know how to make that grown up relationship work... All i know is that no matter how hard i try I end up with douche bags like the Chesire cat...

Is it horrible that I want life to be more than Playstation and steak???

Once Upon A Time.

Once upon a time. I was happy with myself and who I was, I was also a blogger then... So here we are...lets see if i can sort it all out again. I've always said I would like to start a blog about being a young lesbian with aspergers syndrome... So now I am.

You can call me Alice. Because that's who I feel like most days. I feel like a lost girl, with a pretty firm grasp on right or wrong, who is wandering through a world that just makes no sense. And lets me honest, she rocks a pinafore and hair bow.

Coupled with being autistic, I live a full and complicated life, I work fulltime in a customer service call center. I have a relationship that is the typical chaos of a 27 year old lesbian... and a little apartment I call my own...

But I'm still living this life down the rabbit hole.

The characters in my wonderland are amazing and one of a kind. I may not have a queen of hearts or a jabberwocky, but i do have a stepford wife for a BFF and my very own Rockstar and Diva. (as well as many other supporting players)

Life is baffling most days. But its definetly an adventure... Thus... here we are... wandering through wonderland together... As I consider how to be Alice.

Bear with me. This will be a journey for us both, and probably the place where I am most honest about what is happening in my head and my heart. Often I put up a strong front about what it means to be an adult woman with autism. But the reality is I am terrified. The reality is I don't always understand the world around me or what is expected of me. So here, on these electronic pages, I will write my own tale of wonderland, the tale of living amongst the puzzle pieces... One day at a time. One faux pas at a time. One once upon a time at a time. Thanks for reading today. I hope to see you again.