FALLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE: aka- falling in LOVE

I am 27 years old. I thought by now I would have a stable relationship... A nice home... be thinking about kids... Instead I live in my apartment with my ex girlfriend who thinks she loves me, and I live 1000 miles away from the only person that I believe has ever really understood... One is my chesire cat and the other my Mad Hatter.

My chesire cat means well... She tries to love me the best she knows how... but she's just not what i need... Or want for that matter... I live in an intellectual world. I like nice things and smart thoughts. She is content in her blue collar world. She doesn't understand 50% of the things I say, or 95% of the ideas I have. In the last two years... she has read ONE book.

However here we are in this wonderland together. She has no concept of what it is to be me. She tries very hard to understand my autism... But the reality is she just doesnt and as such often gets very frustrated with me...

My Mad Hatter on the other hand... She is simply my other half... She has Aspergers like me and is smart and creative and would string the stars into a necklace for me if I asked her too... But she is 1000 miles away... and has HORRENDOUS follow through... She has let me down so many times. I dont know how to trust her or believe in her anymore... and she puts up walls because i won't fall head over heels into her arms until I know i can trust her...

I know. I deserve better than any of this... but i don't know how to make that grown up relationship work... All i know is that no matter how hard i try I end up with douche bags like the Chesire cat...

Is it horrible that I want life to be more than Playstation and steak???