Inside the hurricane

I'm about 2 minutes out of the bathtub. Its where i go when i melt down... My head hurts from banging and my arms are covered in bite marks.

I prayed tonight after she came in to yell at me... I prayed for God to kill me.

I dont want to live like this anymore. I dont want to be one big autistic mistake. Cause no one will ever understand.

She thinks its for attention. How do i even begin to explain to her that its an overwhelming compulsion in that heightened level of hurt to scream and hurt myself cause i have no other way to cope with the pain. How to i explain that my hands automatically pull at my hair and i convulse and scream without any control.

She says I'm lucky she loves me cause otherwise she would be gone by now... maybe it would be best if she was, cause then i wouldnt get more attached when eventually she will leave to cause no one stays... Things were gonna be ok...

Till i tried to open up to her and started with the words "i hate being me"

this was seen as self pity... But no... I really do hate being me. I really do want to be a normal woman.